| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2009|01:01 am] |
oh i may not ever know the truth about certain things in life.
but i will always know one thing is for sure:
you lied. |
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| and i can live without you... but without you i'll be miserable at best. |
[Jul. 6th, 2009|11:17 pm] |
i want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
i want to stop crying so hard that i'm shaking. and i can barely breathe.
it hurts because he wants nothing to do with me. it is really over. for good.
i don't know why i'm hurting so much from this. i called it over. i told him that he wasn't what i wanted. i should be ignoring him and he should be chasing me. he's not. not at all. he wants me to go away. every time my phone makes a noise i'm hoping its him. and its not. and it won't be. and i don't understand why i'm holding onto the hope that it will be.
when does it get easier? when will i stop wishing i could see his face? when will i stop longing to feel him next to me? i don't know why i call things over... when it really ends up not even being what i want. i know what i want... i just don't know why i have to be so difficult once i have it. things weren't perfect - they were far from it. and in many ways we weren't compatible. but in other ways we fit each other perfectly. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 5th, 2009|12:57 pm] |
i want the pain to stop.
i want to wake up and feel good.... and not feel like a part of me is missing.
i don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to fill a void. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2009|01:52 pm] |
"World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on
Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on
I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.
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| you should know... |
[Jul. 2nd, 2009|11:39 am] |
that i like folk music.
that i cry when you aren't around sometimes.
that i wish things could be simple
and when they aren't i want to run away.
that when i think of leaving i feel relieved....
but terrified at the same time.
that i've already pictured myself married to you
you holding our first baby on your hairy chest.
that when i look at you all the things about you that hurt me
disappear.
that i wish your face would be frozen with a smile on it... while you are looking at me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2009|06:47 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | "hold you in my arms" ray lamontagne | ] |
my friend matthew did this really great thing for his mom's 50th birthday: he had all the people in her life write her a letter of a favorite memory of theirs and he made a book of them with old photographs. it really got me thinking about the people i have in my life, and the things they would say to me if i had a son who had them do that for my 50th birthday.
i'm at this weird place in my life. i'm 24. and i feel stuck. i feel trapped... and where a part of me hates it... a part of me doesn't mind. today i hate it.
i feel like i'm at a standstill, but i want more. i don't want to just stand still. i want to do any and everything i can do while i'm still able to do it. someone important to me has shown me the excitement of trying new things and pushing myself beyond my comfort level. i just wish sometimes he was more interested in pushing the boundaries with me, i've found this new strength in myself to do more. to do more alone. i just wish i had the resources (money) to do all the things i should be doing with my life right now. i'm not married. i have no children. no real responsibilities.... no one else to hold myself accountable to.
i guess i'm just frustrated with myself for not doing more. i always get like that when i've been sick and i've had to relax and take care of myself for like a week. i hate just sitting around feeling like crap and throwing a pity party and the only guest is myself.
i am bored. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2009|09:11 pm] |
if you ever wonder why i'm jaded about love/anything else in life
just spend an hour with my mom. :( |
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| if you're not scared, you're not paying attention |
[May. 15th, 2009|12:39 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | "come home" onerepublic | ] |
i'm impatient.
i'm a pain in the ass.
i will love you until you die.
and drive you crazy the whole way there.
but you'll never find someone who loves you as much as i do.
and even when it seems the world is working against us
and even when it seems i'm trying to leave you every chance i get
i will love you until i die.
i never meant to put so much pressure on you
when all i want is to love and be loved by you
it's so easy
all i want is to watch the sunset and the sunrise
hold you close to me while we lay in bed
the fight for you is all i've ever known. |
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| (oh i) i never saw it comin' |
[May. 14th, 2009|10:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "closer to love" mat kearney | ] |
consider yourself warned... i'm complaining. it happens.
lately i have just been in a funk. i'm frustrated as all hell. the skin on my face is all broken out and gross. the skin on my back is broken out. i feel fat. i'm not even pmsing but i'm having symptoms of it. just mainly the acne and the feeling fat crap. i keep trying to attribute it to the fact that i've been actually a little stressed about school and my life. who knows what it is. maybe it might even be my pill? i don't care if its my pill. i'm not going off it or changing to another one. my hormones have been messed with enough for the last few years. i wonder what i'll be like when i go off it... i've been on it for like 7 years... oy. maybe i'd be happier off it. someday we'll see.
i'm also frustrated over something else. i won't get into it. even after being in the relationships i've been in, and seeing the relationships of people around me it still amazes me how men and women see things so entirely different. is that why women turn into lesbians? they get so fed up with men not understanding them they can't stand it anymore? men will never understand women. bottom line. but it'd mean a lot to most women to at least see them trying to get you.
so i've been reading this book called 'deal breakers' (gosh i love relationship help books). i've gained so much insight into the different 'types' of men there are. according to this author there are five: the scriptwriter, the man in charge, the man without fault, the invisible man, and the little boy who poses as a man. i have figured out which kind of man this certain someone i know is. i find it kind of liberating to have figured this out. it doesn't make anything easier though.
i applied for graduation yesterday. i know when the time gets here i'll probably be horrified, especially if i don't have shit figured out by then. people have been asking me what my plans are for after graduation... and honestly i haven't the slightlest idea. i have an idea of what i'd like to do... but life is unpredictable. it doesn't give a shit about your plans and certain other people don't give a shit about your plans either (even if your plans include them). things could be very different this time next year. i try to just plan for tomorrow and go from there.
i've come to learn that when i have high expectations for things/people they disappoint. with only certain things i'll have expectations of course... but for the most part something i'm working on is not expecting anything at all. so when something great happens i can be pleasantly surprised.
this has been an insanely pointless post.... but i don't care. i'm going to read now and sleep. goodnight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2009|07:54 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | "three cheers for five years" mayday parade | ] |
i like this song.
it reminds me of you.
people may say we're crazy.
but i much rather be crazy with you.
than without you. |
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| oh lies... |
[Apr. 27th, 2009|03:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my heart beating in my head | ] |
how we got here i have no clue.
i'm still so angry. but at least i can apologize for behaving in the way i did. it's hard not to go a little crazy though when someone isn't being honest with you. especially someone you love. and thought loved you.
it's done now. for good. we've both shown our ugliness to each other. there are no redeeming qualities. all i see is you lying to me.
no turning back. i don't regret a thing i've done - i can't live like that.
i was ready to start over. i was ready to work to make things right. but you wanted someone else. even if it was just for a minute... and you only took her out for jamba juice. you still wanted to be around someone else. you flirted with the idea of being with her, and not me. after i held you in my arms the night before and you cried and you told me that you couldn't just let me go. after you took my clothes off and had sex with me. you looked at me and said 'what do we do now?' what if i had said that we'd just be together again... would you have still gone out with another girl? you texted me saying everything i wanted to hear. you were going to fight for me... you told me that you missed me. that you were thinking about me. you took someone else out that same day. you had these plans with someone else. did you think that wouldn't have hurt me? did you honestly think i wouldn't have found out? can you really blame me for acting the way i did about it?
put yourself in my shoes for just a minute. quit being selfish for just a minute and think about how all of this effects me. i fought for you for 10 months.... i was patient, understanding. i loved you. i did anything for you. i dealt with it when you didn't want to even see me. i told you to go to a sharks game on my birthday. and i helped throw you a party for yours. i was there after every sharks game to sleep with you. i waited for you because i wanted to see you. i never knew when i would get a chance to spend time with you so i took every chance i could get. you brought your ex gf into the picture thinking i would just bend over backwards and be okay with you seeing each other. i tried to be understanding of your relationship with her when you didn't even try to help me be okay with it. i had to make it be okay myself or i would have gone insane. i would have 'freaked out' like a crazy bitch and over reacted like i always seemed to.
i ended it because i wanted you to see what your life would be like without me. i guess i wasn't as great as i was thinking i was... you wanted to be with other girls. you text me all this stuff when i didn't even expect you to fight for me. you write a whole thing on how you miss me... and that u are willing to try. i thought we were trying. i didn't know taking other girls out fit into trying to get back together.
you lied to everyone. told your friends you were doing homework. why would i want to be with someone who snuck around all the time. how could i have known if you weren't lying about other things too. all this time. i keep thinking back on things you've said to me... and how could i know if any of it was real?
i knew what happened at the beginning of our relationship would come up again. i bet you were punishing me this entire time for it. i apologized. and i was honest with you. we didn't love each other... and we hadn't spent 10 months of our lives together. we weren't trying to work on getting back together. i hadn't said that i couldn't just let you go and cried in your arms. you could have made the decision to not even start talking to me. you made a choice. and i spent our entire relationship trying to make up for it. trying to prove to you that i loved you. and only you.
i'm happy we're not hurting each other anymore. i hope one day that i'll be able to look back at the time i had with you and smile because of the memories. |
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| i don't think i have the strength to let you go |
[Apr. 26th, 2009|07:41 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | "curl up and die" relient k | ] |
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
i'm sitting here in the dark. listening to secondhand serenade, wrapped in the afgan my aunt janet made for me. wishing i could be there right now... wishing i could still be your girlfriend. wishing that i hadn't been so weak. that we could be happy together and get each other... and have you smile at me like you used to. you'd smile at me like i was the most beautiful thing you had ever laid your eyes on.
i feel bipolar almost. my moods are so up and down. except there's been one constant... i feel like shit. i'm sick. and depressed. and all i want to do is stare out into nothing and cry my eyes out. i want to listen to every single song that reminds me of you and cry because of the way things are right now.
i've messed up. and made mistakes. everyone always says that as long as i learn from them i should be okay... that everything will be okay. i wish i had the words to say that would make everything okay. i wish i could just hug you and have all the hurt between us vanish and we'd feel brand new. i wish i knew how to fix everything between me and you.
i want to start over. with you. like the way you can restart a computer when it starts to be slow and annoying. i want us to find a way to forgive each other... you forgive me for ending it the way i did... bc i was so fed up i didn't even want to talk to you (it was wrong. i know). and me forgive you for not making me feel important for too long.
i want to learn about what makes you tick, what turns you on, what pisses you off. i feel like the first go around i got it all wrong. i didn't make enough of an effort to get to know you. i was just so busy looking into your beautiful brown eyes and feeling dumbfounded bc i couldn't speak. i felt like someone needed to pinch me because i never thought i'd be with someone like you. exciting and adventurous. driven and persistent. quiet and intense. i was so captivated by you. i still am. every day i want to figure you out. and every day i learn something new. in most of my other relationships i got bored bc i dealt with the same old b.s. day after day. it was too predictable. with you i never know.
i can't take back anything i've said or done. but i want to make it right. i'm not ready to let go.
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| you are not what i thought you were |
[Apr. 22nd, 2009|10:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  infuriated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "not too late" nora jones | ] |
i am numb.
i keep asking myself why.
i can't change how he feels. and i can only take so much of being with someone who doesn't love me anymore, but doesn't have the courage to tell me himself.
i can only wish he still did. but wishing gets me nowhere.
i thought i had done everything right. any guy would have felt so lucky to have me. i finally let myself be vulnerable with someone after so many years... i was so scared to let myself go. so scared to give my heart to someone else... look where it got me. i can't tell what's real and what's fake... when for so long the one person i trusted to be real with me, wasn't.
you never really know a person i guess. at least i never knew him.
this time last year things were so so different. i'm crying because its over now. it's over. i ended it.
a part of me doesn't want it to be so. but i was the one who couldn't take anymore... shouldn't take anymore.
i'm disgusted with myself for missing him at all. for wishing just a little bit that i hadn't called it quits. he wasn't good to me. he never wanted to see me. never put me first. didn't love me the way i needed to be loved. pointed out all my flaws... when all i did was love him just the way he was. wasn't open with me. couldn't even respect me enough to call it over himself when he didn't want me anymore. dragged me along... for how long?
i'm crying now, have been for hours. i thought i had found someone who would change my mind about love. someone who i could just be me with. i thought i had found someone i could fall into. i'm jaded. and i feel betrayed.
i loved him more than i ever loved anyone. and why? when he didn't even deserve it. didn't earn it.
i tried. i tried as best as i could. maybe i tried to hard. but i'm 24... nothing should be this hard. when you love each other it should just work. he didn't love me.
more than anything i'll miss the moments in the dark of his room... when we would stop to look at each other and smile. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2009|01:53 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | nothing | ] |
maybe it would have been for the better.
my patience is constantly being tested, and i'm exhausted. it's hard to find the strength to even care anymore. it's hard to find the desire to try.
after talking to someone who knows me better than i know myself (sometimes), i decided to quit over-thinking. he told me that i should just relax. i was feeling really hopeful and good after our conversation. i felt like i could do this. perhaps i'm discovering i can't. well not that i can't, but that i shouldn't.
i'm 24. still in college. i have my whole life ahead of me. i'm good looking. i'm caring. i'm dedicated. yeah i have my moments where i let my anger get the best of me. and yeah at times i need more attention than one might be able to give me. i'm human, sue me. i've been told that i am a 10. that any guy would be so lucky to have me. really.
what am i doing?
i know what i want. but it's hard to keep wanting that when the other person doesn't even act like they want you.
i'm so confused. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2009|09:45 am] |
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the silence is killing me. |
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| i can't stop crying. |
[Apr. 17th, 2009|09:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "from where you are" lifehouse | ] |
i hate this feeling. the feeling of helplessness... feeling like now what is done is done and there is nothing i could do to fix anything. no way to take back the words i've said... take back the stupid things i've done. i can't just say i'm sorry... it's never that easy.
i can't change the fact that it just didn't work no matter how bad i wanted it to.
i keep thinking about how things were this time last year... i had butterflies in my stomach and i was so happy and excited to be talking to someone new and exciting. i feel that same person slipping away now. and even though a part of me feels like its for the best... a bigger part of me doesn't want it to be so.
i hate that things got to this point. that person i was the last 4 - 5 months isn't me. and i feel like i ruined something that could have been wonderful. because i let my anger get the best of me. |
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| how do we know when to let go? |
[Jan. 19th, 2009|06:17 pm] |
i hate that i've been feeling like this... like i need to let him go. i hate feeling like i'm holding on for dear life to someone who doesn't want to be with me anymore because he's too afraid to hurt me. i almost feel like it would hurt me more for him to stay with me not being happy or loving me like i love him. but i never know. i could be feeling something that is completely off the mark... but i'll never know. because he doesn't talk to me. doesn't let me in. so it's hard for me. guessing and wondering... trying to figure out exactly what the problem is but never getting any confirmation either way.
i wish things could be simple. wish they could be different. love hurts. and when you have to let go of someone you love... that hurts even more. it hurts because there is nothing you can do to change how they feel. no way to take back the ugly words you've said... or the hurt you've caused them. you can't make them love you anymore. you can't just say poof be happy because i love you. love isn't so simple that way. and why we all fall in love is beyond me.... why even after we've been hurt so many times we dive head first into something with someone new with no expectations... but end up falling harder than we ever had before. feeling like this person is the one.... even after we felt like that with someone things didn't work out with before. it's hard to let go when you've had all these hopes and dreams for the future and all you've been able to do is picture him at your side. him graduating college... and eventually you do too.... you both work and finally make the next big step by moving in together. then the surprise engagement... picturing his face when you walk down the aisle on your wedding day... and seeing him cry when you give birth to your first baby.
it's so hard to want to let it all go. to want to throw in the towel because letting it go would almost be easier than holding on. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|01:44 pm] |
what makes us be so drawn to someone? what is it that keeps us from walking away even when things aren't the best? what keeps us working at it as much as humanly possible so we don't lose them?
my only guess is that chemical reaction when we first fall in love. keeps us wanting more. makes us willing to fight for as long as we can. |
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| how i got where i am right now. |
[Dec. 23rd, 2008|05:01 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | "keeping me alive" the afters | ] |
i have been writing a lot today. it makes me feel better. why i haven't done it more often is beyond me.
there are so many things i want to say... and probably shouldn't. most of the things that would fly out of my mouth i'd regret as soon as they hit the air anyway. but the microsoft office document saved on my laptop doesn't care. it won't judge me or think i'm a horrible person. it won't think i'm being ridiculous for feeling the way i feel. so i've been writing. its giving me some perspective that i couldn't get from anywhere else.
it is december 23rd. it blows my mind that i've been living at home again for a whole year. so much has happened this year. ready for a recap...?
around this time i started dating kevin... and i was getting over jimmy (finally). january through march i dated kevin... i learned not to let myself get caught in the gray area in a relationship. i never knew what to call him... we never made anything official.... but we carried on like a couple, like boyfriend and girlfriend. he never called me his girlfriend, but all of his friends did. and then when we ended things... he said something to the effect: "well how would it be if we were in a relationship?" wha? confusing. what were we in the last 2 months then? i still remember that day. it was a saturday night before easter sunday march 23rd, i wanna say, he parked my car in his garage after we had been out, we started watching "i am legend" and then decided to go to bed. i had a strange feeling that was going to be the last time i saw kevin. he hadn't been affectionate with me in over a month and we had only been dating for 3... he definitely knew how to make a woman feel inadaquate, but i won't get into the details of it. i laid in his bed next to him while he fell asleep because he had been drinking. i started crying. i couldn't sleep. i needed to leave. i got him up to get my car out of his garage. i almost wish we hadn't put my car in there so i could have just left without waking him up. he didn't even notice there were tears falling down my face. the next day he didn't call me or anything. that night after leaving grandma's after having easter dinner, i called him and we ended it. he told me he couldn't be himself around me. so i said well then what are we doing together? so it was done.
i signed up for match.com (second time around... i thought i might have some luck). it was pretty remarkable how quickly i got over kevin. i think that last month of being with him helped it along. there were some pretty good looking guys on match.com this time around. and i felt like i had a good chance of finding one since my hair was longer, i was thinner and more secure in myself despite the shit i had dealt with kevin. you'd be surprised... men on match.com won't give you the time of day if your hair is super short and your face is chubby (haha *sigh*) like mine was the first go around on the website. long story short, i found this guy on there... i had met him a few times in person before i found him on match. we had some mutual friends in common (thats how i had met him)... but the few times i had met him i didn't even feel it was a possibility - me and him. i wasn't attracted, and he didn't seem to be either.
end of april i started working at starbucks... i worked there until september - short 5 month employment... i got starbucks out of my system. i had always wondered what it'd be like to work there... and now i know.
so this guy i had met on match.com and i had a few conversations... chatted a few times on facebook... we had a few dreams about each other... and on may 8th he picked me up in his red car and took me to pasta pomodoro. it was a cooler evening in the summer. i was nervous around him but at the same time at ease. i wanted to play it cool and feel him out - i had fallen hard, and fast, before and it never turned out well. this time i wanted to try something different.
a few weeks later i made a stupid decision. i had been going on dates with another guy at the same time and he had asked me to be his gf... in my heart i felt i should have said no. but for some reason i said yes. we didn't have chemistry, we didn't click. he didn't look at me the way he did. this other guy disappeared and took two different girls out to dinner after he had asked me to be his gf. i was over it.
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